Where has all the fun gone?

And what is a former-party-girl-turned-sober-40-something meant to do?

In four years of sobriety, the times when I have been tempted to drink have almost always been when I was feeling down, stressed or anxious and wanted something to numb me. But a couple weeks ago, I got the urge to drink for a different reason. I was in a good mood but bored, and I wanted to cut loose. I wanted to have some fun.

God I miss fun.

I miss that feeling when two drinks hit your bloodstream and your head at the same time and, as you pour the third, you think nothing of the next day’s hangover and relax into the delicious incoming buzz. After a couple more you’re dancing in the kitchen, being hilarious and gregarious, feeling invincible. And yes, I know that that’s not how it would go for me, that I’d drink an excessive amount and end up passing out, puking, or starting a fight with my husband and crying, and wake up the next day full of regret and bright yellow bile. I am well versed in alcohol’s siren song and how convincing it is that ‘just one more’ is a good idea when it really, really isn’t. I know its tricks and plots and I’m not gonna fall for it.

BUT.

But.

Will I ever have that throw-caution-to-the-wind-and-go-a-bit-wild feeling again? And if not, is my time with fun over?

Being drunk for me was not only an opportunity to be carefree, but to rebel against what was expected of me. Yes, I’m a 45-year-old woman, mother, and homeowner and probably should have outgrown chasing that feeling by now (and I mostly have), but sometimes - just sometimes - I want to be silly and reckless and let the loosening of my body override the restrictions of my mind. For much of my life, that is precisely what alcohol and drugs provided me - not only the buzz, not only the easing of social anxiety, not only the fitting in with my peers, but the chance to play.

For someone who doesn’t really do sports, games have always provided that outlet and being drunk or high was one of my favourites. You spin the wheel (pour a drink or procure a pill), move around the board (swallow it), and after several goes see where you end up, whether you win or lose. Half of the fun is in the not knowing which way it will go. It’s a chance you take, a risk, a controlled flirtation with danger to liven up an otherwise routine, orderly existence.

So it hit me as I battled this out-of-the-blue craving that I have to find another way to play. Not because I want the danger or uncertainty part, I’m well over that, but because I still want to experience the euphoria that comes from complete abandon every once in a while - this time without abandoning myself.

Dancing is something I’ve managed to do occasionally that still provides that feeling, though because of my health issues I am unable to go to clubs and festivals much anymore. Winter sea swimming is another: the feeling of bravery when I march into the water on a 4 degree day, squealing at the cold and jumping into waves that feel like a thousand needles piercing my skin, a grin blooming on my face as all the endorphins rush to the surface afterwards. Playing games with my family and being silly with them is also fun, though now that my children are busy with work and exams we don’t do it as often as we used to.

I’d love to hear from others on this. What do you do for fun, what activities give you that playful, energetic feeling? Can you relate to wanting more fun in your life but not being entirely sure what’s possible within the limitations of your health, responsibilities, or circumstances? We’re going to brainstorm this. Which, now that I’ve written that, feels like perhaps the least fun (and uncool) thing ever. But hey, needs must. If I can crowdsource fun, I shall! Let’s go.