People to unfriend on Facebook

In honour of Meta’s impending downfall, a lighthearted post from my old blog’s archives.

The ‘Mompreneur’

When you see that a mom friend has discovered a new miracle product that is going to change all of our lives and make her rich, you may be reminded of the scene in 127 Hours when James Franco realises that he’s going to have to cut off his own arm with a rusty pen knife to survive. Except in these scenarios you will be subjected to far more than 127 hours of anguish and, by the end, left only with a box of essential oils that, amazingly, don’t cure cancer. Get rid, pronto.

The Hashtag Terrorist

If used sparingly, hashtags can be harmless. In the hands of those with no sense of irony or restraint, however, they become lethal little word-bombs of meaninglessness. Without proper monitoring, the hashtag user may become radicalised and extremist. Suddenly two hashtags become five, and then 10. Unable to express emotions without bracketed afterthoughts attached, the un-hashtagged life is no longer worth living. When #soblessed is deployed, you know it’s time to pull the trigger.

The Silent Stalker

When it comes to posting about themselves on Facebook, the Silent Stalker adopts an assassin or spy’s approach. So while you never see, hear or read anything about them, they know EVERYTHING about you and are often the first to hit ‘like’ on your posts. They are most likely related to you, over the age of 60, and using the generic Facebook avatar as their profile pic. Before the interwebs were invented, the Silent Stalker could be found peeking out of lace curtains and eavesdropping while waiting to use the pay phone.

The Meme Sharer

Inspirational quotes are like oxygen to the Meme Sharer. The curlier the font and the more sunrises in the background the better. When you’re exhausted from your work week, poor health, never-ending chores and shrieking children, reminders to relax, breathe, and count your blessings are always welcome. The rest of the Meme Sharer’s posts are links to anti-immigrant articles accompanied by the word ‘Fuming!!!’

The Hometown Time Warp Victim

You graduated from high school 20 years ago and were under the impression that time had elapsed and the world had evolved. Wellllp, you were wrong! This hometown hero still has the exact same hairstyle, taste in music, and friends. Married to Brad from biology or Angie from algebra, they still hang out at the places you snuck into as teens. It’s like they never left…because they literally haven’t.

The Keyboard Warrior

This chronically online activist is anti every -ism and will stop at nothing to make sure you know that they are a good person, damnit. After a long day of calling people out, being an ally, and posting preachy screeds, they like to relax by shopping for cheap goods made in sweatshops, yelling at neighbourhood kids for playing outside, and parking in disabled bays because they have anxiety.

The Heart-Hands Pregnant Lady

This lady can only express love for her womb biscuit by shaping her hands into a heart and smiling serenely at the camera while draped in what appears to be silk curtains. She will later go on to use pictures of her children in her profile pic, erasing her own identity. Likelihood of becoming a #soblessed fanatic: very high.

The Sports Commentator

The dude who never posts on Facebook except when the big game is on, whereupon he launches into a soliliquoy. After failing to impress with his play-by-play commentary, he inevitably slides back into obscurity until the next playoffs. This is a man who should spend less money on beer and more on therapy.

The Charity Fundraiser

Didn’t you JUST run a marathon for sick llamas in Uruguay and shave your head for ADHD research? You’re bleeding me dry, man! Sit down and relax for a while. Not quite as punchable as The GoFundMe Beggar, but close.

The Sucker

Believes every blatantly false news story they come across and refuses to check its veracity before posting, despite repeated debunkings. They will later go on to help a nice man in Nigeria who has fallen on hard times. These are the same people who seriously injure themselves with pencils every year, I suspect.

The Live-Laugh-Love Lady

She posts dutifully every year on her long-dead relative’s ‘heavenly birthday’ to tell them she loves them ‘to the moon and back’. Likewise, posts about children’s birthdays always begin with ‘And just like that, she was [insert age]’. Likelihood of kicking off about parking in the local Facebook group: extremely high.

The ‘Females’ Guy

This guy truly believes that men are oppressed and can’t understand why human women might object to being referred to with a biological descriptor. Says he hates ‘golddiggers’ while simultaneously investing all of this time and energy into earning more money to attract women. Couldn’t spell misogynist if his life depended on it.

The Devil’s Advocate

When you share an opinion or experience that is not to their liking, the Devil’s Advocate is in like a shot to ask if you’ve considered the ‘other side’, tell you you’re overreacting, and remind everyone that you can’t say anything these days without someone getting upset about it. Likelihood that they’ve ever had an original thought or experienced any form of oppression in their life: slim to none.

The Humblebrag Bore

Whether it’s their children’s achievements or their endless luxury holidays, the Humblebrag Bore’s smugness knows no bounds. Devoid of their own personality or merits, these posts soon become the sole vehicle for their self-esteem. You later learn that the holidays were funded by bad credit and that their little prodigies have gone no contact for emotional abuse. Honestly, you should do the same.

Who else would you include?